I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
vagina is talking i cant
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
