One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
