someone threw a dead crab at me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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