plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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