I'm eating all of the evidence.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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