Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
