its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
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