I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
