And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
