the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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