I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
