Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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