Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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