So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Randomize
