I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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