Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
