why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
