it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
