you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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