new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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