I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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