I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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