Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
