i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
