I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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