I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
