oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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