I can text with my tongue
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
