Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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