does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
