News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
