Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Come share oat with me in your robe
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
