You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
