if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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