I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
