ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
