Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
