That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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