she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i dont even know how to be here
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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