Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
