how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
