I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You made out with two different species that night
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
