I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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