im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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