remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
