My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
