He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
