I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
