i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
