Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
